Our children lead us to places inside of us that have not been fully processed. Places within us where trauma is unresolved. When they hit certain ages and stages of development, they will activate unworked trauma in a parent from that stage. To me, this is both painful and such a gift to get to meet these places in myself on deeper levels. 🙇♀️❤️
The place for me that gets incredibly activated and triggered in my relationship with Anaiya is when I feel she’s not listening to a boundary with my body. Like hitting or grabbing for milkies after I’ve repeatedly told her no.
Yesterday, this trauma got really activated in me when she continued to hit me after I told her to stop. I recognize my reaction was disproportionate to what she was doing, which is an indicator that this isn’t only about what’s happening in present time.
Trigger treat! 👻
I raised my voice at her, telling her to stop and pushed her hand off of me. And it scared her. She got really upset. And I could barely be with her upset because I was so activated.
I felt all the violations in my own system of when I haven’t felt heard and my boundaries have been crossed. I was really upset and angry and I knew I was taking some of my own unprocessed pain out on her.
“Ok mama, I won’t do it again.” came the words from Anaiya’s trembling voice and big tears, as she was anxiously trying to come back into connection with me.
As I held her, I also held myself. The one in me who was so activated and dysregulated.
I didn’t feel good about how this was all going down, and I also wasn’t ready to repair with her.
I took us both outside and had us notice the trees and open blue sky and sunshine on our bodies, feeling more resource fill our bodies. ☀️
I held her close and let our bodies find comfort, when I still couldn’t find the words to repair.
I wiped her nose and tears and held her closer, rocking us both back into regulation.
And finally, I apologized.
"I acknowledged my big emotions and upset when she ignored my boundary. I acknowledged it wasn’t ok how I spoke to her."
I acknowledged my big emotions and upset when she ignored my boundary. I acknowledged it wasn’t ok how I spoke to her. I shared that a part of me gets mad and upset when I don’t feel she is listening to my no with my body.
I noticed I also wanted to tell her of all the times in my life that bigger boundary crossing had happened for me and that’s what I was really upset about. But I didn’t share that, in this moment. And instead, I recognize this as my piece that needs presencing and healing still. For myself, and so that I can respond to those moments rather than react. 🙏
This is one of my pieces that I get the gift of looking more deeply at as my daughter pushes right on this pain point.
This is the opportunity we are given as parents when our children press just the right buttons that set us off. They are inviting us to deepen into our own awareness so we don’t project all over them.
Is Anaiya testing my boundaries? Yes. That’s where she’s at developmentally. She’s learning.
And if having boundaries be respected, honored and held was already healthily imprinted into me, than I wouldn’t feel so challenged and triggered.
That’s my work in my own self to be with. If I choose to. Which I do, for healing in myself, and a growing capacity to stay more regulated in my nervous system inside of our relationship.
While I’m not proud of my behavior in that moment, I’m holding myself with loving compassion, the same way I hold her. And that’s the best I can do for both of us 🙏❤️
Big Love and Delight,
Mandalena
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