Often times if we have not touched trauma that happened in developmental ages, when a child hits those stages of development, it can activate the trauma within us. I’ve noticed lately the ups and downs of my emotions throughout the day. Partially due to a little one that lives in her emotional body at this stage of her life. I also recognize that this range of emotion was not something that was valued inside of my family of origin. The space to express however we need to be was not celebrated.
I noticed lately the level of sensitivity in my system. How throughout my life, I have felt the energy of invasion and intrusion. There is a level of new awareness I’m having around how often I have felt bombarded and overwhelmed energetically. So when Anaiya has moments of constantly needing me and asking for me repeatedly it can feel really intense on me. When I cannot even go to the bathroom by myself it hits a part of me that I have not tended to enough. Learning how to hold this part of me, to mother this part of me as a mother of my child is essential. Otherwise, this little girl in me will continue to feel put upon. My resourced adult self is able to respond to my daughters needs. But a little girl inside of me can’t because she feels overstimulated and overwhelmed. Discerning between these two aspects of me is important to how I am with my daughter. Bringing conscious awareness to the little girl in me that needs holding and space and attunement so that I do not react from that part in me with irritation towards my daughter.
"When I cannot even go to the bathroom by myself it hits a part of me that I have not tended to enough. Learning how to hold this part of me, to mother this part of me as a mother of my child is essential."
The moment is often happening with so much aliveness it can feel challenging to also be with my internal little girl that’s totally overwhelmed. But as I build a relationship with this internal little girl, as I give her the loving mothering presence that she needs, the same way I’m building a relationship with my daughter, then in those heightened moments where Anaiyana won’t let me put her down and won’t stop calling for me, even when I’m with her, I can hold simultaneous presence with my daughter and my inner child. But it takes commitment and continuity. It means I commit to building this internal relationship over time so this part of me can feel held and met the same way my daughter does. This is important to me because it keeps me aligned with what I’m serving for both Anaiya and myself. I don’t want to parent from an overwhelmed stressed out part of me. I want to be responsive rather than reactive. So that means I need to distinguish in my own system who the awakened adult is and who the pained inner child is.
As Anaiya is moving through this phase of more vocal demands, bigger emotions moving through her, and testing her limits it is definitely activating young parts of me that didn’t get met in this way. And so I have this beautiful opportunity to re-parent my inner child’s wounds of the past as I parent my outer child.