I want my body and my life back. That’s how I feel in this moment. The constant grabbing at my boobs to nurse or hanging on my body. Not wanting to be put down or held. So begins the agitation cycle between my baby and I. No one started it, no one is causing it deliberately, but wow, does it feed on itself.
Lately my nervous system feels super sensitive and jagged and when Anaiya is in a phase of wanting and needing to feed throughout the night to help her sleep and grow, I notice moments of greater irritation. I don’t want her to touch me anymore. I want my body to just be my body.
And, I want the space and time to do the things I used to be able to do without planning or taking another being into account. I want to be reckless and go on a wild adventure. I want to have hours alone with my sweetie, intimately connecting undisturbed. I want to sit in silent meditation undisturbed in the quiet and stillness, just to name a few of the endless desires at the moment. I want my life back. Just for a day. Just for a few hours. Just for a few freaking minutes it feels like sometimes.
My dimmer switch of awareness as a mom is constantly on. There’s no complete “off” switch with my presence being on Anaiya. It’s lower at times when she’s not in my immediate care,
days when I’m tired and grumpy it’s hard for me to appreciate all the cuteness and joy that Anaiya is transmitting. It’s like we’re on two different planes. What’s hard inside this is then also noticing my guilt and shame that I can’t be more loving with her. That her needs feel overwhelming to me and I don’t want to meet them.
"Some days it just feels hard and I fantasize about life not as a mother."
Some days it just feels hard and I fantasize about life not as a mother. I share all this because these feelings as a mama show up too. Not just love and ease, but frustration and exhaustion and feeling trapped inside a life as a mother, forever more.
As this part of me shows up, I cannot try to just push it away. If I do, I feel disingenuous to myself and to my child. I recognize this part needs to be heard. And I hear another voice chime in that there’s no time for that. Even just acknowledging these voices and emotions as parts help me to bring my witness back online. A witness that is more closely connected to a resourced Self. In acknowledging them as parts I notice I start to get curious about what they are wanting to share with me. And perhaps if I listen then they don’t have to scream louder.
And so I take this moment as Anaiya naps to pause and slow down and just listen to these voices. The frustrated one feels like a child having a tantrum; just wanting some actual real presence and not to be told to get over herself. She feels forgotten and disregarded. She has needs too, she lets me know.
"In acknowledging them as parts I notice I start to get curious about what they are wanting to share with me. And perhaps if I listen then they don’t have to scream louder."
I notice much of this contrast shows up when I’m trying to get something done. And approach it from the way I know how to get something done. To complete a task. Be it making dinner or taking a shower or answering a text or email or giving something my undivided attention. I know how to do these things. I knew how to do them before I had a baby. And then, enter being a new mama. Where my attention feels pulled in multiple directions much of the time. I can’t just focus on one thing.
Well, I can just focus on my child. And when I do that, things are pretty seamless between she and I. I’m present, responsive, engaging in an attuned way and she feels it. We’re flowing, and thoroughly enjoying one another. This means taking linear time out of the equation and being in a flow of getting dressed and out the door in the perfect time it takes. It means moving in a non linear fashion and recognizing my baby doesn’t know what rushed or arbitrary linear time means. She’s moving at the pace of her interests.
I notice the one in me that wants to move faster. Be more efficient and get things done. As if those things are more important than moving at an attuned pace with my baby. Well, to the part that wants to be efficient and move faster that does feel just as important. So, I notice the opposing parts inside myself. And how when they are in opposition I get clunky and out of sync with my baby. Often times I can downshift my nervous system and regulate to where she’s hanging out and let go of outside needs to get something done in an efficient way.
"I notice the one in me that wants to move faster. Be more efficient and get things done. As if those things are more important than moving at an attuned pace with my baby."
But there are days that I just want to move at my own pace, and feel myself in my own rhythms and following my own impulses and desires. And I notice that part feels resentment at having to be a mom and all the responsibilities that entails. Where the fuck is my freedom anymore? I feel like screaming that at the top of my lungs from the top of a mountain. And just taking a moment to express all these voices through my words begins to soften my system once again. These parts feeling heard and acknowledged.
A big part of suffering is the fighting of what is. Wishing a certain situation was different than how it’s exactly expressing. When I fight with being a mom and the responsibility and lifestyle that it entails, I get pretty grumpy and agitated. Pining for my freedom. Dreaming of being able to do whatever I want whenever I want. In complete dissonance with what’s here. This is what creates a feeling of being trapped inside of my circumstances. With no end in sight of ever being free again. This really is the suffering for me. I want something different than what’s here, than what I’ve perfectly created and designed. As I pause and reflect upon this a big exhale moves through my body. I’m returning back to present moment time and really recognizing what’s here now, right here.
This also shifts me out of victim mode. As if life, Source, God is purposely making me suffer. Hahah that’s truly laughable. I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. And if I’m uncomfortable inside of my circumstances that might be pointing to something that wants to shift. But I’m not stuck. I’m not trapped. I’m actually just recognizing that I need to make some adjustments to make room for more of my needs too.
This helps remind me that I’m writing my story of motherhood as I go. Making choices that feel both empowering and life-serving. For Anaiya, and for Me. What do I want to create with her? What do I want to model to her? What I do recognize is I need to have time to self reflect. To get myself unstuck. To get some space from all that’s compacted in my body that has taken over.
As I sit here typing on my phone as Anaiya sleeps in her carseat. The car running to keep her resting, I look into the rear view mirror and am able to see this precious being once again for all her beauty and splendor. Feeling genuine excitement once again for when she awakes.
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